Because of the way this job has affected me, I've let my fitness routine diminish, I've lost contact with lots of friends who bring me joy and laughter, and I've done almost NOTHING creative in months. I want my life back. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes; how do you measure a year? It's tough to trade a year of your life (especially at this age) to a job. I will never do this again. Life is way too short, and the money (although it saved our bacon this year) isn't worth it. No amount of money would be worth what I've been through in this job. I need to receive positive feedback from people DAILY. I need to see that I'm accomplishing something on the job. I need to laugh with people all throughout the day. My teaching team has been great, but we only get a few minutes a day. The rest of the time, I'm with these needy kids that are SO negative and have attitude ALL the time. When they respond positively, I'm like a sponge. When they are negative, I must raise this shield that is SO oppressively heavy to deflect their harsh words and repulsed expressions. By the end of the day, I'm just so worn OUT.
February trudged by, all gray and slimy and cold. March BLEW by like the wind. April is almost gone, and I have only 3 full weeks and 3 days after Friday!!!!!! (of teaching at this school)
Being over 40 does have its advantages. However, emotional stability simply is NOT one of them for me. With the job I have, I have very little creative energy to write and work through the emotions that swirl around in my overactive gray matter all the time.
I have been doing lots of work in the yard; we've planted trees, built and planted 3 garden beds, and finished a sizeable flower bed in the front yard. This kind of nurturing activities really provide a creative outlet that has enough of a physical component to keep me sane.
Hubby has done a great deal of fence-mending with me, and our relationship seems to be really growing again. I can now see a future for the 6 Montalbanos together, and that wasn't true for a long time. It's not that I had plans for us splitting up, but I just didn't know how we'd be able to stay together with that amount of OFFENSE in the relationship. The bleeding has stopped, and the wounds are on the mend.
The sad blanket is off, and I've been really enjoying life at home with hubby and the kids. It is so wonderful to have this group of people who loves me and treats me SO well to come home to after a day at my school. I look forward to some time off this summer.
What time is it again?
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