Poem:

Christmas 2006

Attempt at Funny Poetry That Conveys

What’s Happened To Us In The Past 12 Months

By Rebecca Montalbano

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

Everybody was hyper, even the mouse!

The stockings were jam-packed with Pez and Lego Blocks

In hopes that would keep the kids happy ‘til at least seven o’clock!

The children were nestled all snug in their beds.

Yeah, right! They were partyin’! “Go to sleep!” I said.

And Chris in his boxers and I in my gown

Had just snuggled under our quilt made of down.

When out in the yard we heard such a clatter,

I elbowed my husband and said, “Go see what’s the matter!”

Away to the window he stumbled and limped,

But it just wouldn’t open, despite his attempt.

The hundreds of strands of multi-colored lights all aglow

Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.

When what to his bleary eyes should appear

But an odd, new, fat neighbor walking eight pet reindeer.

Their droppings were HUGE, and quickly they came,

And the man whistled and called each reindeer by name.

Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!

Oh, Comet! Oh, Cupid! Oh, Donner and Blitzen!

Just look what a mess ya’ll have made in this yard!

I’ve got to clean this up, and it’s gonna be hard!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And bagged all the poop and then turned with a jerk.

He walked all the reindeer down our darkened street,

And we heard the prancing of their thirty-two feet.

After this scene went dark, I woke up from that dream

To the smell of fresh coffee and the digital clock’s gleam.

I quickly got up and put on my sweats

To have time alone to think about how crazy life gets.

With Mom in the nursing home and Pop staying at Rick’s,

Our house just feels empty and this I can’t fix.

Our children are precious and they truly keep us going,

With love and energy they are constantly flowing.

They keep us reminded of what’s important and real,

And they are my true motivation in life, I feel.

Jessie’s a writer and artist, that’s true,

With hair of gold and eyes of blue.

Growing up too fast, and getting so tall,

She’s a special girl who has just got it all.

Noah’s our sweet boy who’s trying to learn to be tough.

Dealing with bullies at school is really quite rough.

He’s finding his way at his new school,

And learning that being a nerd really can be cool.

Annie’s the “Love Lamb,” so loving and sweet,

And smart and funny – she’s quite a treat!

At reading and math she’s just my little star!

With her smarts and her humor, she’s sure to go far.

Pioneer Playschool is where Lizzy is all day.

She’s learning a lot, and just two miles away!

The “Pixie Princess” with her bouncy blonde curls

Is about to be five – a sweet, smart, big girl.

Chris sold “The Nerd Guy” and accepted a position

With the new owner as a computer technician.

His stress is now less and his energy more.

He has more time for his wife and the kids he adores.

I’m teaching at my new Hoover school – Gwin.

Jessie, Noah, and Annie are with me all day again!

There have been lots of changes in our lives this past year.

It’s brought the six of us closer and that’s very clear.

So as we celebrate today with our big crew,

We say Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas to you!

We look forward to happier times around here,

And we hope you have a wonderful, happy new year!

2006: The Year in Review

January:
I had graduated with my Master's degree in December, and now all I had to do was TEACH. I designed lessons plans and tried to engage the students with interesting projects and practical experiences. I didn't meet with a great deal of enthusiasm. My teaching team was great, however, and we came up with a plan for a 4-week intense math and reading remediation for all 6th graders before spring testing. Everyone was excited about it. I shared my plans with everyone for math.

February:
Teaching was the best it had been so far with keeping the same group of kids from 8am until lunch. We were able to do learning centers and methodically review some fairly tough material. Personally, I was as low as I could be (I thought) and I chalked it up to the gray days of January and February. I attended my 20-year college reunion at the University of Montevallo, and saw a few old friends. That was really nice.

March:
Spring Break was WONDERFUL!! Then Spring Testing at school went very well. We wouldn't know the results for months, but we all felt good about it.

April:
I was losing my ability to stay encouraged on the job. The kids were just SO rough and tough, and it was requiring so much of me to just be there every day. I had one day where I just broke down and couldn't go back. The principal and assistant principal just sent me home. I took an extra day, too. I told my boss that I would not be back to work there, so she knew she needed to be looking for someone new. This would not serve me well.

May:
As school days were coming to a close, my boss let me know that she was completely frustrated with my last 9-weeks lesson plans, and that she didn't know if she could back me up. She HAD approved them before I began, and I checked in with her multiple times about them, but before I told her I wasn't coming back she had thought they were GREAT! As the school year was coming to a close things got very intense between us, and I was watching my every step as best I could. On Friday before the last week of school, I received a call that my father had been admitted to the hospital for heart failure. My whole world just fell to pieces. At that one moment, I knew that my mother's care was about to change, and my father might not make it. I called my brothers with emergency messages and headed to the hospital. I got Mom back to the apartment and stayed with my Dad while the docs tested and tested, and then decided to to open-heart surgery. The surgery was on Saturday, and Dad was in the ICU for the next five days or so. My brothers and I were taking turns staying with Mother until I could find a place for her. I stayed out of school on Monday and found a place for her. Tuesday I went to school, but a stomach virus was going around, and after almost throwing up in class, I left the school. My boss called me that afternoon and scolded me for not being there and told me I was wearing my team out. She let me know I was expected to be there no matter WHAT was going on with my family. We were moving Mother into her new home on Wednesday, so I took that day off. Meanwhile, Chris had gotten the stomach virus and had thrown up so much he became dehydrated. I had to take him to the emergency room Wednesday night where they administered 2 bottles of IV fluids and said he still wasn't really good enough to come home. They wanted to keep him overnight. I told them he couldn't stay, because I had to go to work tomorrow, or I would lose my job. I went back to work and finished my time at Tarrant Middle School. Our family had scheduled a vacation - the first one in FIVE years, and we left at noon on the last work-day of school.

We spent five days in a luxurious 2-bedroom condo with like SIX pools inside the property and a lazy river! That was great and relaxing and the children had a blast! I read a grown-up book, and rested a lot.

June:
In June, the children and I started Summer Program. The Children's Creative Learning Center - CCLC - is held each summer in the Hoover school system at one of the elementary schools. Dr. Kirkland had become my best advocate for helping me find a job in Hoover, and she went out on a limb and hired me to be the Reading Teacher for the Summer Program. My children all get to attend for free, and they learn so much. I had lots of interviews during the 6-week program, but no takers. I got a lot of GREAT experience teaching there, and the pay is great! Noah got a terrible injury on the playground the first week. We ended up having a 2-month ordeal from it with surgeries and many trips to Children's Hospital.

July:
With Summer Program concluding, I still had no serious job prospects, and I was getting as nervous as possible. I had talked with the other teachers at CCLC, and let all of them know that I was looking. Bob Lawry was one of the other teachers, and he was about to begin a new position as Assistant Principal at Gwin Elementary. I had already interviewed there, and - though the principal seemed to like me and the interview went well - I had not been chosen. It was the last week of July and schools were starting back on the 8th of August. No job yet.

August:
Summer Program was long finished and school was about to start. I had three very positive interviews practically on the same day: Gwin (the school I really wanted), a Shelby County school (a good school, but a bit of a drive), and Cabaha Heights School where my children attend - the best possible job I could get! Both schools made me an offer, but I told them I had to wait for this last possibility at my school. They couldn't make a timely decision, so I told them nevermind and took the job at Gwin (thank you Bob Lawry!!). I was to teach 3rd grade. I was shown to my classroom, and I met my new teaching team.

It was brought to my attention that I could bring my children with me to this school, so I JUMPED on that and transferred them immediately. They were excited/anxious, but they were happy they would be with me. I had to find full-time daycare for Liz, and there was a place 1-mile from the school. They could take her and I signed her up. Within 3 days, I was hired and my kids were transferred. Our whole existence had changed locations. We started school, and I was very happy with my children's teachers. I had 16 students - a dream come true!!! I met Traci, another new teacher, and we got along so well, everyone thought we'd known each other for years. One teacher said, "Ya'll act like you're BFFs or something!" BFF means best friends forever, and we liked it. That's what we call each other.

She was there for me when my husband and I had a really horrible incident in which I asked him to leave. We decided on an in-house separation to benefit the children, while he went to counseling for a problem that had plagued our marriage from day one and was escalating. It was absolutely the WORST time in our whole marriage.

September:
My team was difficult to get to know, but I was doing well with my students. I had lots of ideas and plans. BFF was always there to encourage and lend materials. Mr. Lawry was always there to encourage. Chris continued counseling and I managed to get up and go to work each day. Dad had been in and out of the hospital, and he was in again. He got a staph infection this time.

October:
The students were settling in and doing well. I was having difficulty navigating my way through curriculum, and finally received some much needed help from one of my team members. Chris was faithful with his counseling and we were talking quite a bit. He had done lots of things to help me with stressful things at school and at home, and that meant a lot to me. We had a lot of fun around Halloween. My personal children had a GREAT time at the Pumpkin Patch - as always. They chose their costumes, Jessie invited a friend, and we readied to go Trick-or-Treating. We use a "hayride" concept for our trick-or-treating: we take the van with both side doors open and the heat blasting. One parent drives the van alongside the gang while the other parent walks with the children. It was another huge success and we had a great time.


November:
I was ready for a break from school, and Veteran's Day and the Thanksgiving holidays were just in time! The children and we discussed and voted on our Thanksgiving menu, as we planned to stay at home. I invited my brother John and his children and grandchild to come, too. We had a wonderful, relaxing day and enjoyed each other. It was so great not to have to BE anywhere at a particular time, nor deal with any family weirdness. We moved everyone into their own room and Chris moved back into our room. Chris realized in counseling that his stepfather had been a part of a really horrible event in his life at age 15. He confronted his Mother and stepfather about it. They were shocked, then in denial, and then angry.

December:
We went to BIG breakfast at Cracker Barrel and to Old Baker Farm to get our Christmas tree with the Buttiker family - second year in a row and a new tradition is established. It was a wonderful day, and we finished it off by coming home to hot cider, fresh-baked cookies, and making paper chains. Chris got the tree set up and began putting up our outdoor light display, which is pretty "VEGAS" I must say. I put lights on the tree and the children began decorating it with their paper chains. It turned out beautiful, decorated mostly with paper chains, kid-made ornaments from school, a few Christmas balls, and candy canes. The kids loved it! I sent out over 120 Christmas Cards this year with the picture shown here and a poem (I'll probably put it in the sidebar.)

My teacher Christmas party was on a week-night, with no spouses invited. There was a karaoke, but the music selection was less than ME. BFF was off on a trip, so it wasn't the BEST party it could've been, but it was fun.

We decided, because of the awkwardness between Chris and his parents - AND the wonderful relaxing Thanksgiving we had - that we would stay at home for Christmas. Mom was crushed and lashed out with a vengeance. She sent the children a gift bag each, and made a nasty phone call expressing her anger.

When school was out, Chris and I began working on the house. We put the new flat panel TV on the wall and got a surround system for it. We hung pictures and arranged furniture. We deep cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms, and the house looks better than it has in YEARS. Then we just hibernated through Christmas. We decided on the same feast for Christmas that we'd had for Thanksgiving, and the same relaxed schedule. On Christmas Eve, we gave the children their new sweats, bathrobes, and slippers and sent them off to bed. We had packed their stockings days before, and as soon as they were asleep, we put them at the foot of their beds.

We were awakened sometime in the 4am hour by those little SNEAKS opening packages!! They were under strict instructions to make stocking stuff last until 7am. They did, and they came into our room for snuggling at about 6am. We all headed downstairs for banana bread and pumpkin bread - baked the day before - with OJ and milk. Chris and I then began the task of putting the turkey in the oven. It was the biggest turkey either of us had ever had, and Scrooge would've been PROUD to send this one to Cratchett's family! It was a 28-pounder! Chris took all the goop out and rinsed it, while I cut fresh sprigs of rosemary from the plants in the front yard. He rubbed it with olive oil and then I sprinkled kosher salt and pepper while he rubbed. We stuffed the neck cavity with chopped onion, celery, and rosemary sprigs, and we stuffed the rear cavity with stuffing. We hoisted it into the roasting bag and then the pan. We schlepped it to the oven and put it in. WHEW! We washed up and cleaned up the kitchen and we were ready for presents by 8am.

Once seated around the tree, the carnage began. All wrapping paper, boxes and bows were flung into the hallway where they piled up into a remarkable heap! Everyone was excited about their loot, and Chris and I began our duties as toy-releasers (cutting all those plastic twisties and thingies that keep toys in their packages) and battery-inserters. After about an hour, the children began to disappear upstairs with one toy or another to enjoy it. Chris and I went back to the kitchen to prep the rest of the feast. We readied the sweet potatoes by mashing them with butter and spices and smoothing them into a big glass baking dish. We mised up the green bean casserole, and both were oven-ready. Then we made the appetizers: the pickle platter - gherkins, bread-and-butter slices, and dill spears; veggies and dip - grape tomatoes, cucumbers, baby carrots, and celery sticks with ranch dressing; grapes and cheese tray - green grapes and colby-jack slices all around; and pineapple-cream-cheese dip with Wheat Thins tray. By 10am we were sitting around relaxing waiting for the turkey to finish. The meal was a huge success. No guests showed up, and we ate as soon as we were ready, and then put everything aside and NAPPED. The kids played upstairs and we NAPPED like no nap ever napped before! The whole day was great!

The remainder of December has been spent continuing to hibernate, except for Lizzy's 5th birthday yesterday. I'll make a whole post about that later. My baby is 5 years old! We celebrated at Build-A-Bear!

Well, that's a wrap on 2006. There were lots of dramas and mini-dramas within those months that aren't mentioned, but you get the picture. I'm looking forward to a bright and happy 2007. Auld Lang Syne and all that crap, you know?

Merry Christmas, Baby!

B.B. King is jammin' on this great song while the kids sit around the tree, watching the lights twinkle and trying to guess some of their presents. They are SO excited they can't imagine being able to go to sleep. The two little girls are wearing their new slippers and cozy robes. The big kids know it's just too stinkin' hot to wear snuggly clothes with temperatures in the 60s. Tomorrow, they'll all be wearing the sweats they received tonight after bathtime.

Tonight, I'm the Mom, but today I was the baby. I'm the baby of my family, the youngest of four children, and the only girl. I've been called "Baby" all my life, and I've always been given extra attention because of it. I'm very close to both my parents, and I've relied heavily on their daily presence in my home for the last several years. Their 41-year-old baby (I) had them for lunch or dinner several days each week, and they stayed with the babies while I ran errands and then while I went to graduate school. After Dad's heart failure and open-heart surgery in May of this year, my oldest brother and I had to find a "home" for Mom. Dad has had a very long and complicated recovery, and he isn't "out of the woods" yet. He's still staying with my oldest brother who lives over an hour away, because he's not well enough to care for himself again.

I've had a really difficult time dealing with this new chapter in my life as it unfolds. I'm SUCH a baby, a CRYbaby even, but I've had to really be emotionally "cut off" to deal with the decisions and the critical nature of Dad's condition. I have gone through so many days of this year completely numbed by grief or loss or shock or whatever it IS. I'm so afraid to cry, because I think it may never stop. I had put off even thinking about the Christmas holidays with (without) my parents until school was out. Well, then it took until TODAY, December 24, for me to wake up and be an adult and GO SEE MY PARENTS to wish them a Merry Christmas.

I bought a red sweater for Mom and made her a red beaded bracelet to go with it. I packed a few chocolate goodies, too. My fear was that she wouldn't know me; maybe she wouldn't know that she even had a daughter and I am she. There have been days where she didn't, but that was when she was here every day and I could just talk her through it. I was so afraid I would walk into that place, and she would just look at me as she would a stranger, and accept my gift as one receives charity from strangers. On the outside, I would be gracious and understand and be sweet and pat her on the hand and tell her, "Merry Christmas" and then leave. On the inside, I would feel crushed like an abandoned child in desperate need of the love and nurturing only a mother can provide while watching my mother "leave" me as she has since this terrible disease took hold of her mind. Inside, I would be screaming and sobbing with deafening loudness, hoping that the squeaky wheel might just get the grease - no pride, just throwin' a fit, cryin' and stompin' and makin' ugly cryin' faces. These are the thoughts that made my stomach hurt while I got dressed and drove there.

I walked in and she brightened up when she saw me, smiled and hugged me. (She's done this before - doesn't know who I am, but knows she knows me and knows she loves me.) Today, she introduced her friend at the table (without giving a name, just called her "my friend"). I told Miss Evelyn my name. Several minutes later and after much small talk, Mom looked at Evelyn and said, "This is my daughter, Rebecca - Rebecca Owens - my only daughter." Outside, I continued to make polite conversation with this lovely woman, my mother's friend. Inside, I was sobbing with relief and joy that Mom still has a connection with me, and sobbing with sorrow that her remembering who I am is such a surprise to me. It was God's gift to me for Christmas: I had a Mom today. Merry Christmas, Baby!

Thank you, God. It's just what I wanted but was too afraid to ask. It seemed too big to ask for.

I was able to stay for 30 minutes or so, and it was during this time that Miss Evelyn decided to leave our table and go somewhere. She got up and hugged my mother; it was the most loving, tender hug! It was like she was comforting my mother, and she closed her eyes as she patted Mom around the shoulders. This woman who doesn't remember that she just had a piece of chocolate or that she just asked that same question a moment ago - still remembers how to love and comfort. It was such a sweet reminder of all that still IS in my mother. For about the tenth time, I had to choke back the tears that were stinging my eyes to be released. I finally said my goodbyes and left. I barely got into the car and shut the door, and the dam broke. It was a very big visit with Mom.

"Frankie Goes to Hooverwood"

Well, here he is! Frank (I'm calling him Frank until the students democratically select a name) is probably going to be our class pet!

He's a leopard gecko rescued from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina last year. Frank did not emerge from the catastrophe unscathed; he contracted health problems that have since been resolved but keep him from being proper, acceptable breeding stock. He's healthy now, and reportedly has a great personality.

The students and I have graciously accepted a donated tank from one of the parents, and are waiting to find our gecko to get the rest of the necessary equipment for his habitat in our class room.

Happy Mother's Day!

Saturday night, with Dad in the surgery recovery area, my brothers and I decided that Mom needed a bath and I was the one to do it. Oh, holy crap. My neuroses kicked into high gear. They were right, but I'm still SUCH a huge baby. I didn't want to do this thing. I don't want to step up to this plate and do the responsible thing. Damnit! This grownup shit is completely overrated.

So after a wakeful night, I hatched the plan. I would have my brothers within earshot in case Mom fell or resisted or something. I would wear my sleeping shorts and t-shirt. I took my body puff and body wash and some tearless shampoo, and I was off to do this thing. It was just not that bad. Mom was very cooperative, and she seemed to feel SO much better when it was done.

I picked out a pretty outfit for her BIG day, and brushed her hair just so. Rick, my brother, gathered the piles of dirty clothes, towels, and other things and put them to wash while I worked with Mom. It took one hour from start to finish. Just not that bad. I survived. I'm such a freakin' wimp.

I have to do it again tomorrow, too. I'm scared again, but I know it will work out fine.

Dad had congestive heart failure . . .

on Friday. The second I got the word, my dominoes began cascading down very quickly. I had to get to Mom and Dad at the hospital. I had to get someone to pick up Mom and take her to the apartment and sit with her until one of my brothers arrived to take over. I had to call my three brothers and get them to GET HERE asap after work. I had to be with my Dad while he panicked from not getting enough air as the medicines began to take fluid off his lungs and ease his breathing.

I knew all this the second I received the phone call right after 3rd period had begun and the kids were starting the last two chapters in reading Watsons Go To Birmingham. I had about a 5-minute come-apart session, complete with tears, shaky voice, and tremors in my whole body. I told people the minimum of details to get myself out of the school and into the car. Once there, I let a couple of sobs rip out, but then had to quickly get on the phone.

After Mom's arrangements were set, I was calm. Dad's breathing eased up significantly, but the doctors and nurses were very concerned with something they were seeing in his blood work. Chemistry was showing that he had suffered heart failure and possibly a heart attack. This went on all day Friday, and Saturday morning they ordered an arteriogram (sp?) which showed that he had a 95% blockage of one of the main arteries leading into the heart. It was bad. Very bad. Open heart surgery would be required - a bypass; possibly one, two, three, or four branches needed repair. The surgeon wouldn't know until he was in there working.

A chin quiver or two, but no tears. Still hangin' tough. They wheeled Daddy down to surgery and cracked open his 80-year-old rib cage to repair his damaged arteries. Four hours later, he emerged from surgery having done well (whatever that means). He had more tubes coming out of him than "The Borg" on Star Trek TNG. One was breathing for him, 4 were draining fluids from his heart and lungs, one was keeping his stomach contents emptied, the catheter was draining urine. The oxygen mask and electodes for heart monitoring completed the set. A TV showed 6 or 7 sets of information coming from Dad's unconcious body.

He looked very small. Although Dad is only 5'6" tall, he is always such a big man in my eyes. This sight was quite confusing for my psyche.

Still no tears. Hangin' tough.

Ropes Course, of course . . . .

Yesterday, we took a group of 6th grade girls to a "ropes" course in the woods of Pell City, Alabama, at Camp Winnataska. It was a fabulous experience that (hopefully) served to build the girls' confidence and their relationships with us and each other.

Surprisely, one of the most difficult exercises for them was the first: the trust fall. In the gym before we hit the woods, we practiced falling and catching. One person trustingly falls backward, and the other person catches them and stands them back up. The students had REMARKABLE difficulty falling. They have a hard time trusting. It was very surprising.

In the woods, we did a trust fall from a 3 ft high platform. The entire group stands below the platform facing each other with arms zippered together waiting to catch, and the "faller" did a NESTEA plunge off the platform. One girl freaked at the end and flung her arms out. I got backhanded across the nose, and the camp counselor guy got it in the eye. My nose FELT broken, but it wasn't. I am a bit bruised and swollen, but the cover-up hides it.

We did a couple more problem-solving, team building activities. The most interesting was the 12-ft wall. 4 people were at the top pulling you up, the rest were at the bottom pushing you up. With no rope, girl after girl - including both Ms. Hammond and me - went up a 12-foot wall and over the top!!! Amazing! My knees were shaking for a while. I had been the person whose thigh everyone put their foot on to get started up the wall, and it felt good to provide a solid foundation for the girls. It felt awkward to rely upon them to get me up the wall, but I guess that was the whole point, huh?

Last night I soaked in Epsom salts to soothe the muscles and calm the bruising. Today, I felt pretty good and had a fairly good teaching day.

Does anybody really know what time it is? Care?

Because of the way this job has affected me, I've let my fitness routine diminish, I've lost contact with lots of friends who bring me joy and laughter, and I've done almost NOTHING creative in months. I want my life back. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes; how do you measure a year? It's tough to trade a year of your life (especially at this age) to a job. I will never do this again. Life is way too short, and the money (although it saved our bacon this year) isn't worth it. No amount of money would be worth what I've been through in this job. I need to receive positive feedback from people DAILY. I need to see that I'm accomplishing something on the job. I need to laugh with people all throughout the day. My teaching team has been great, but we only get a few minutes a day. The rest of the time, I'm with these needy kids that are SO negative and have attitude ALL the time. When they respond positively, I'm like a sponge. When they are negative, I must raise this shield that is SO oppressively heavy to deflect their harsh words and repulsed expressions. By the end of the day, I'm just so worn OUT.

February trudged by, all gray and slimy and cold. March BLEW by like the wind. April is almost gone, and I have only 3 full weeks and 3 days after Friday!!!!!! (of teaching at this school)

Being over 40 does have its advantages. However, emotional stability simply is NOT one of them for me. With the job I have, I have very little creative energy to write and work through the emotions that swirl around in my overactive gray matter all the time.

I have been doing lots of work in the yard; we've planted trees, built and planted 3 garden beds, and finished a sizeable flower bed in the front yard. This kind of nurturing activities really provide a creative outlet that has enough of a physical component to keep me sane.

Hubby has done a great deal of fence-mending with me, and our relationship seems to be really growing again. I can now see a future for the 6 Montalbanos together, and that wasn't true for a long time. It's not that I had plans for us splitting up, but I just didn't know how we'd be able to stay together with that amount of OFFENSE in the relationship. The bleeding has stopped, and the wounds are on the mend.

The sad blanket is off, and I've been really enjoying life at home with hubby and the kids. It is so wonderful to have this group of people who loves me and treats me SO well to come home to after a day at my school. I look forward to some time off this summer.

What time is it again?

by the way . . .

my 20-year COLLEGE reunion is this coming weekend, and I'm in blech-ville. CRAP! mf, gd *&%$#* BLECH!

Blech.

Blech blech-blech blechity blech. Blechy blech blech blah blah blah blah. Blahdee blahdeeblah, blechity blech. Blah blah blech blech, blech blah. BLAH!!!!!

Is it me? or it is just February?

Blech. The days are wet and gray or falsely warm-looking until the wind hits your face - either way, they are unwelcoming.

I'd like to climb into bed tonight and wake up to March. I know there will be some beautiful days in February - there always are - but I'm in a hurry.

I'm in a funk. It's like someone draped a sadness net over me and I couldn't find my way out struggling, so I just gave up. I'm wearing that thing around every day. I'm still functioning, but it's not like the real me. It's like this tiny percentage of me that gets up, showers (thank god), and dresses for the job. A percentage of me drives the car listening to NPR (probably another reason for the funk) and arrives at the job on time (not early.) A tiny part of me tries to teach and gets angry when the kids won't do anything they are supposed to do. A very thankful part of me arrives at lunch and planning period, and a residual fraction of the original percent finishes out the last two periods of the day and drives home. I hit the bed within twenty minutes of getting home and take enough of a nap to get me through cooking supper, getting kids bathed, read to, homeworked (if they're not already done), and in the bed. Then I collapse into bed, sleeping fitfully until it's time to do this again.

Weekends have offered only extra time in the fetal position. The family surrounds me and tries to build me back up, but there's very little to work with these days.

Today, I would rather have taken a series of painful vaccinations than to have taught my classes. My team teacher said it's just another type of pain in the butt.

So, . . . this is the reward for the borrowed $10k from the government, the two years of schooling, homework, writing papers, doing research. This is the reward for working 3 part time jobs, sleeping very little, and putting everyone in my life off while I completed this master's degree. Fascinating.

Blech.

Seven Days in Bham

One week into 2006 and things are already a little bit better. I've done my lesson plans through March 29 (purely tentative, but workable), I've had my hair cut, and I've met with my friend/trainer Johnny to get encouragement and instruction on my fitness routines. The bills are paid, the 20th (OH GOD!!!) reunion tickets for Montevallo are purchased and babysitting has been scheduled for February. I had lunch with Sean to catch up on things, spent several days in a weird, restful idle mode, and slept a LOT.

Today, my husband's sisters (need to not call anyone sister-in-law after my earlier post - i didn't include husband's four sisters in that number!) are here from Ohio for a visit. Dani, who visits every year or two, has her two children with her and Sommer, the sister we haven't seen since the wedding 12.5 years ago. This will be great! We'll (hopefully) play games and drink a bit until late in the night. It will be so nice to visit - short though, because they're leaving tomorrow.

More later. They're here!

2005: the year in review

It's always good to reflect on the past year as you look forward to the new one. Therefore, on this New Year's Day of 2006, I reflect!

Last January was the coldest, grayest, most hideously lonely month I can remember . . . EVER! My best friend had moved away and had begun pushing me away bit by bit with me stomping the brakes and screetching, "NO! NO!" the whole way. Christmas had passed and Sean wouldn't be returning to town for MONTHS and was ready to put the past in the past and me with it. Not having the benefit of hindsight or foresight (or very good sight at all in this matter), I distracted myself by wandering about frantically trying to deny the reality of my 40th birthday (which happened on January 28th last year . . and word has it - will happen again this year!!! [41st, that is]). I spent my days working, my evenings in class, and my "spare time" working on homework or working out.

Last February broke all the records for me. I had been pretty sure that January had been as bad as it could possibly get. But NO! Not only was I 40 years old, I was also stupid and naive about how bad I could possibly feel about life, the universe, and everything! Valentine's Day came and went in an effort to stamp out a brushfire, which turned into a spewing anger volcano. After that, it seemed that I had burned the last pylon of the friendship bridge I had so desperately wanted to perserve. Life went on, however. The sun continued to rise and set, pulse and respiration were maintained, and I kept productive and fit. My eyes looked hollow and pathetic and a bit dark and wrinkley. My hair hung about my face plainly, and my makeup was unhelpful. BLECH!

March found me having accepted the reality of my 40-ous-ness and attempting to complete what amounted to an independent study in one of my classes in which the professor was totally ineffective at teaching us what we needed to know to complete a high stakes project. This was enough to keep me somewhat focused during the day, and working out with my new friend at the gym - Wil - kept me going with the workouts.

April saw the return of Sean in an unexpected move back from the great beyond. After being home for several days and having several wonderful reunions with friends (about which were blogged), Sean called me to see if I'd like to have lunch. Lunch. Lunch? Lunch!! GD, SOB, MF Lunch! This - which I had missed SO intensely since his move and been deprived of for lo this many months - is the offer I get. Not 1st lunch, not 2nd lunch, but several days into being back and settling in and smelling the cat's breath, and going to lunch with his 2 favorite women in the whole wide world (2 of my faves, too) he calls and asks me to lunch. [necessary aside: childhood memories]

when i was in grade school, i remember the whole "best friend" business got quite ugly from time to time. there was always competition: "am I your best friend or is she?" whenever there was a disagreement, there was the separation, the cold shoulder, the pretending the friend didn't even matter, and then the tearful reuniting. then there was usually a sleepover or pictures together hugging or some stupid girly crap.

Well, this was TOO much like grade school (without the sleepover, pictures, hugging, or stupid girly crap) (ok, maybe not much like grade school)! Although I wanted nothing NOTHING IN THE WORLD more than to have my lunch buddy and best counselor/best friend/artsy intellectual/bleedin' heart liberal democrat commi pinko/ agnostic/ jaded/ glass-half-empty friend back (feel the love?), I am still miffed, hurt, feeling neglected, rejected, dismissed, dissed, and pissed about the whole thing!!!! But of course I had to go. Sean and I got through porcupine-like time and had a few lunches in April and, well, more to come with that . . . . All was OK with the world with me not mad at anyone and noone mad at me.

April was also the month in which my Auntie died. I'm still not done grieving - may never be - but she is out of pain, and she left a legacy of dozens of "children" (she never birthed any, but had many) whose lives she touched so deeply and wonderfully. There is a book - or books - here.

May was warm and sunny and bright and happy. I finally had my lunch buddy back, workouts were going quite well, and with coursework at UAB finished I was tanning at the SportsFirst pool! I had several weeks of vacation-like time to rest and tool-up for the summer which was going to be wildly busy with the children out of school.

June and July blur together because I was working in a 6-week summer education program directed by my new boss. My four children attended these enrichment classes at one school while I managed the UAB students tutoring the K - 4th graders at another school from 8am until noon. The kids handled everything very well, I ate lots of protein and low carbs and worked out and tanned. Oh, yes, I was going to UAB every evening for classes and doing homework, too. My days ran from 6am until about 1am. There was absolutely no time for playing with children or hubby, or for best friend Sean - who at some point during this time had met the love of his life Elizabeth and was certainly no worse for my absence. I think we had one or two lunches all summer, but it was pleasant. Wil was my faithful workout companion and we began a body-fat-loss competition which was overseen by my trainer and friend Johnny. Wil, a humongous, body-building, chicken and rice eating trainer, at twenty-something, loves to workout with weights and hates to do cardio just like me. We found that we could push each other on the cardio equipment when neither of us was in the mood to burn fat. I beat him by like half a percent in the competition and lost about 10 pounds in the process. In mid-July, I was interviewed by and hired by Tarrant City Schools to teach 6th grade math in the fall. This was an answer to prayer because we really coudn't afford for me to have a semester of unpaid internship.

In August, I began working as a teacher in an urban middle school with 80% poverty. This was - and continues to be - a challenge in so many ways. In August, with really no break from academics before career, I brought the momentum of the summer program into my classroom and began. Wil completely disappeared from the planet, although he still came to the gym every day. He really just disappeared from my planet. The tan is faded, too.

In September, the momentum came to a halt as I began to notice the uphill grade on which I had placed myself. No time at the gym, no lunches with buddies, no counselor at all, new co-workers at the school, little time with children and hubby. I'm all alone again.

In October, all I could do was chant to myself "fall break, fall break" for the entire month. When it finally arrived, I spent it getting my haircut, an oil change, a female checkup, and having lunch with Sean and Elizabeth.

November, having just enough of a break to make it until Thanksgiving, my students and I trudged through exponents, exponential notation, and scientific notation. Hubby and I made a fabulous feast for Thanksgiving and the family enjoyed the break together.

December. Ahhhhh, glorious December. The 6th grade teaching team and I ordered a wonderful set of goodies for our students as we shooed them out the door shouting "Merry Christmas!" We all collapsed mentally when the doors were closed. It was the 21st and I still had Christmas cards to label and send out, shopping to do, cleaning to pawn off on someone else, wrapping, and OH YES! I graduated from UAB. That was the 17th, after a wonderfully fun karaoke party on the 16th. That was after a FABULOUS evening of karaoke at the JRag party at B&A warehouse with Elizabeth (Sean was there, too) which was the highlight of my social life for the year. The 18th we went to Mother-in-law's house for Christmas. After that, we rearranged the whole upstairs moving my office to the back room which was Noah's and him into my office in his new bunkbed. Then my office was completely discombobulated for the entire month of December. I finally finished organizing on Friday.

Today, the decorations are down and put away, the upstairs is cleaned and organized. Even had the carpets cleaned professionally yesterday. Still have the downstairs cleaning to do (procrastinating about that right now as I type!), the garage to organiza, and the attic to work in.

It was a crazy (literally insane) year. I did so much all the time. I feel good about what I accomplished. These past few months, I've not made time to workout, but have fallen into bed - emotionally exhausted - night after night after eating comfort foods all day. I'm up at least 10 pounds, but am afraid to find out for sure. I'm meeting with Johnny the trainer on Tuesday. I don't know what I expect him to do, but he sure came through for me last year!

I thank God for the following:
New people in my life in 2005:
Dr. Lynn Kirkland - professor, mentor, boss, friend, encourager, and fellow educator
Lisa B. - fellow towel girl at SportsFirst, friend, drinking and workout buddy, encourager
Mal - fellow towel girl at SportsFirst, friend, workout buddy, billiard queen, graduate of UAB
Brannon - special new friend without whom I KNOW I wouldn't have made it through last summer or this past fall, fellow graduate of UAB, fellow educator, watcher of my children
Johnny - trainer at SportsFirst who helped me WINNNNNNNNNNN the contest with Wil, TOTAL encourager, brightener of any day in which he shows up at the same time at the gym, billiard king, fellow lover of redneck rock including the Eagles
Elizabeth - the love of Sean's life, the most important thing I could ever want for my best friend - LOVE LOVE LOVE (i belive in love)
Keo, Roddy, Porterfield, Hammond, and Jackson - the BEST team of teachers anyone could have, but especially me because I'm new
Smith and Matthews - the best administrators of an urban middle school in the world
Ms. Layton - the most wonderful mentor on planet EARTH and the best math coach in a middle school in the world
120 -or-so smartalecky, arrogant, loud 6th grade students - who call me to a higher purpose every day

People in my life from years past:
Parents - every day with them on this earth is a blessing that I won't ever forget or take for granted
Husband - Chris is the love of my life without whom I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning and face this life.
Children - Jessie, Noah, Annie, and Liz are the four little sunshines in my day EVERY day. They amaze me with their little SELVES - all completely individual from the same set of genes. Incredible, smart, loving, precious, sweet children.
Mother-in-Law and Father-in-law - making wonderful memories for my family and me.
Siblings - we share genes.
Siblings-in-law - we share legally sanctioned relationships.
Old friends - Sean - obviously, Vikki (introduced me to blogging)who is on her own journey, Jeffrey Berger my friend of 20-some-odd years who thinks I'm beautiful, Megan my fellow UAB 5th year student and educator and faithful friend, and many others that if I forget, I'll just duck in and edit this post and add them before they ever find out!

If you've read my long entry, God bless you. You are truly a friend for wanting to know this much about me. I appreciate you for this.