Turnipgreenzel: A Southern Spoof on Rapunzel

Turnipgreenzel: A Southern Spoof
By Rebecca Montalbano
Roles for the play:
Narrator
Tom Talbert
Tina Talbert
Tess, the terrible taxidermist
Turnipgreenzel, the talented, long-haired storyteller
Tim Tullman, the talented tailor
Tuck Tanner, the minister
Ten siblings (chorus)

Narrator: Tom and Tina left their tidy little tin trailer to tell the entire Talbert tribe that after ten years of marriage, they were expecting their first baby! Their home sat behind the two-story Tudor-style estate of a truly terrible taxidermist named Tess, who tortured them for even the tiniest trespass.
Despite her tacky personality, Tess was a talented gardner who tended her vegetables intently. Tina began to crave turnip greens, and having no garden of her own, became more and more tempted by Tess' tasty-looking turnips. One Tuesday, Tina told Tom:

Tina: I'll just DIE if I don't have a taste of turnip greens, Tom!

Tom: I'm determined to help you, Tina. I'll tiptoe to Tess' garden and tear you up a ton of turnip greens!

Narrator: And so, he did. Tina ate them all in ten seconds!

Tina: They taste terrific, Tom! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Narrator: Tom thought Tina was content, but she was twice as tempted the next day.
Tom was too hasty this time, and Tess heard him trespassing.

Tess: Tom! Turn loose of my turnip greens!

Tom: Oh, Tess! I truly regret my transgression, but Tina's craving turnip greens and our baby's due next week. I was trying to tame her turmoil with these turnips. How can I make it up to you?

Tess: Turn over the new baby to me.

Tom: That's terrible, Tess!

Tess: Look, Tom. You need my turnips, and I need a toddler. Well?

Tom: Better to take the turnip greens and keep Tina, but Tess, this is truly terrible.

Narrator: A week later, the baby was born. Terrible Tess the taxidermist named the baby Turnipgreenzel and took her to a tower to keep her safe from troublemakers. Hiding her deep in the woods, Tess raised happy little Turnipgreenzel who was soon a truly lovely teenager with long, flowing tomato-red tresses.
Years passed with Tess visiting daily. The only way in or out of the tower was the single window at the top, from which Turnipgreenzel would tie her tresses to a hook and let them tumble down for Tess to climb up. While alone, Turnipgreenzel would sing and practice her storytelling by talking to the birds who flew to visit her.
One day, a talented young tailor named Tim Tullman traipsed by and heard her telling tall tales to a turtledove high in the tower. Tim listened intently to her tales and fell totally in love with Turnipgreenzel. When Tess arrived, Tim hid in the trees.

Tess: Turnipgreenzel, toss your tresses to me!

Narrator: Down came the long braids. Tim watched in utter amazement as Tess traversed the tomato-red tresses to the high window. When Tess left, Tim climbed up to see the talented storyteller. Turnipgreenzel was terrified, having never seen a man. Tim told the timid girl of his love for her, tenderly took her hand, and asked her:

Tim: Will you marry me?

Narrator: Turnipgreenzel was tickled!

Turnipgreenzel: Yes!

Narrator: Tim, a talented tailor, took her measurements and told her:

Tim: I will return tomorrow with a wedding trousseau and a minister!

Narrator: Leaving quickly, he dropped his tape measure and business card. When Tess returned the next day, she found the tape measure and business card before Turnipgreenzel could tell her of the betrothal.

Tess: Turnipgreenzel, you terrible traitor! I trusted you!

Narrator: Tess angrily trimmed off the tomato-red tresses and tossed Turnipgreenzel out of the tower on her tail-end. Teetering, she trudged down a tree-lined trail trying to understand why Tess was so angry. Turnipgreenzel came to the Tudor estate of Tess and read the sign out front:

Turnipgreenzel:
Tess Tawanda, Taxidermist.
Try my famous 'Tout your Trout' Trophies.

Narrator: Turnipgreenzel saw a twinkling silver trailer in the distance and heard happy children playing. When she arrived at the trailer, Tom and Tina saw her and knew she was their long lost baby.

Tom and Tina (in unison): Come give me a hug, baby!

Narrator: They took her into their open arms and introduced her to her ten brothers and sisters. Turnipgreenzel was thrilled to have a huge family after living alone for the past twenty years.
Meanwhile, back at the tower, Tim arrived, terribly excited about marrying Turnipgreenzel. Tuck Tanner the minister was with him and watched as Tim climbed the tower to the window.

Tuck: Be careful, Tim. That looks terribly dangerous!

Narrator: Terrible Tess met him at the top and threw him to the ground, too. Tim landed on his tailbone and began to twitch from spinal trauma. Tess had a heart attack from her treachery and died instantly. Tim, tormented by his new tic, went searching for Turnipgreenzel in his Toyota with Tuck in tow. He found her playing Marco Polo with her ten siblings in the above-ground pool beside the satellite dish behind the tin trailer.

Turnipgreenzel: Marco!

Ten Siblings: Polo!

Turnipgreenzel: Marco!

Ten Siblings: Polo!

Narrator: He ran to her side, trembling and twitching with every stride.

Tim: Tess threw me out of the tower, but she was terminated by a heart attack!

Turnipgreenzel: Oh, no. Poor Tess! Are you all right, Tim?

Tim: Tess gave me this terrible tic when she tossed me out of the tower. Will you still marry me?

Turnipgreenzel: Truly, Tim, you're my type - twitches and all! Yes, I'll marry you!

Narrator: Her tears streamed down onto him and Tim was healed instantly as they embraced. Tim and T'zel (as she decided to call herself) were married that day, and the entire troupe of Talberts and Tullmans lived happily ever after!