thirty nine and twelve twelfths

I am forty. . . . . no. that's not it.

Forty-year-old me . . . . uh-uh.

On the fortieth anniversary of my arrival on Planet Earth . . . . crap, no.

To celebrate the commencement of my forty-first year of life . . . Oh, GOD no.

I am forty.

Consumed with my own fortyousness, I must express inner thoughts from me. Oh, crap, how did this happen? How did this much time pass this quickly?

Yesterday, I was in my twenties, cryin' like a baby because I had turned 25 without having landed the 6-figure job yet.

Yesterday, I was 27 having ended a four-year marriage to a really nice guy, with my divorce papers in process, and the love of my life firmly on the hook, and a size 8 body to DIE for!

Yesterday, I married the man of my dreams, about whom I still fantasize and who takes care of our children and my aging parents.

Yesterday, I turned 30 and dealt with THAT.

Yesterday, I brought forth life and nurished it using only my body and finding out what all my body parts are really there for (even though they have great recreational functions, too.) Then another life, lost one, then another, and then another.

I spent my twenties trying (and failing) to find out who I was inside and who I was destined to become. I spent my thirties setting aside myself for my husband, my children, my parents, and my faith, until about a year ago. Today, I begin my forties.

With the knowledge that what I DO is no longer the be-all-and-end-all of WHO I AM, I will begin my new career with the greater purpose of 1)serving my family's need for income, 2)helping children become lifelong learners, and 3)revolutionizing the public school system from the inside.

Who I am is this:
I am wife, mother, daughter, neice, cousin, friend, lover, flirt, worker, artist, dreamer, workout queen, over-achiever, mildly obsessive-compulsive, writer, avid reader, blogger, nerd, tutor, and teacher.

Who I will be is this:
All that with more practice and equal enthusiasm.

I'm happy with the way I've spent my life so far. I didn't have a list of things to be completed by age 40 (Thank God!), so I'm not disappointed in standing atop this mountain and looking back at the climb. I've studied, I've worked, I've loved, I've reproduced. I've laughed and I've cried; I've guffawed and I've sobbed; I've giggled and I've had silent tears. It has all been very big and averages out to be very good.

I'm feeling better about this 40 thing. I had a daydream in which I had lost the rest of this extra weight and I was wearing a hot pink baby-doll T-shirt, low-rise faded jeans and long hair. The T-shirt said, "Yes. I'm 40!" It was a good picture. I think I'm gonna be OK.